Yo.

I think I want to start a youtube channel. Yeah, I'm not sure though. I've had a youtube account for like three years but I've never uploaded anything. I created the account just so I could like and favorite videos. Since I was like eight (12, actually) when I created this account, my username is, well, kind of embarrassing. I was kinda obsessed with buildabearville.com in that time so I used my build a bear username as my youtube username, and god do I regret it. So yeah, my username is mariapril310 and you might be thinking that it's not that bad, but I hate it. I personally dislike having numbers in my usernames, especially numbers that mean nothing to me such as 310. Also I don't know what was going through my head because April means nothing to me either. It's just there. One of the many months I ignore since they're practically all the same in Colombia (damn you perfect weather!).

I have actually wanted to start uploading videos a long time ago but never as much as want to now. I would always talk with a friend about starting a youtube channel (this always came up after we laughed for thirty minutes and came to the conclusion we were hilarious and that we needed to share this gift with the rest of the world).

There are two things stopping me from doing this. The first thing is that I'm afraid someone from school will find my videos. People at my school are not very nice, you know. At least not to me. It scares me that they'll ridicule me on facebook as they have done to other people. I know I shouldn't care what they think, but it kinda scares me. The second thing is that my pronunciation embarrasses me. Since spanish is my first language I do speak spanish better than english, even though I'm fluent in both languages (my blog is in english after all). I don't pronounce like Fez in That 70's Show or Sofia Vergara, but it still bothers me. I think my voice in general bothers me. Here's Dave Grohl, who happens to have this same problem:

i feel u dave.

Why should I feel the way I do?

Hellooooo. These are some pictures of what I wore today taken by moi using my new tripod (yay). 

Dress from Levis, bag from StyleScrapbook for Kipling

I was just going to make this a short outfit post but I think I might as well write about something else.

I don't know how to start telling you what I'm feeling. I'm just gonna go with an "UGH". I don't know what to do, you guys. I just don't know. I feel so confused, and bored, and sad and I don't know what to do about it. I have always been a nervous person. Even when I was just a kid I would think about my future and what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. People would always tell me that I was too young to think about that but I never felt like that was true. Even though I did worry, it didn't feel like the near future, (kind of like death, which is only a word to a child, and for some reason, it also is to me). I felt like I had so many years to continue molding my life in my mind. This school year is about to end and I just realised that there is only three years left to think. I have always been a good student and until this year, I loved school. I loved learning. Now, I don't. I don't understand why. There are still some classes I look forward to, but now I'm just like every other teenager that goes to school because they have to. I don't know if this will sound weird, but I actually looked forward to doing homework and now I procrastinate too much. Time flies and I don't seem to get anything done, and that scares me. Even though I have never known for sure what I want to do when I graduate, the thought of me being a good student always seemed to calm me down. I want to take pictures, I want to write, I want to create. Sometimes I feel like I can, but sometimes I just feel I'm to shallow to do it. I feel like my thoughts are as deep as a kiddie pool and that makes think I will never do anything the way I want to. I now I could just take pictures that don't mean anything and everything would be ok, but that's not what I want and I won't feel good about myself if I do so. Sometimes, though, I feel like the deepest, smartest teenager, like, wow, give me the philosophy major right now. But then I read some blogger's post on nostalgia and dreams and reality and things that I have never thought about, or have thought about but can't make my thoughts on them into coherent ideas. 

Sometimes I just cry, and I can never explain why. Sometimes I read something and I cry. And someone will ask me why I'm crying, and I'll say because I don't understand. Maybe I understand too much and that makes me not understand. Or maybe I'm just stupid and I can comprehend deep thoughts. Sometimes I cry because I feel like I understand somebody and that they understand me. I feel like there are at least some people that are just like me, and that they could be my dream friends. But then I get to know them better and I realise they do stuff that I don't understand. 

I'm reading The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea. When I'm alone, I feel like I understand Noboru and his friends. I have my opinions about what they do and I feel like they are right. But then I talk to this girl who says it's really cool that they kill cats because human feelings are useless, but she does social service all the time. And I just don't understand. And I come home and I cry. I try to convince myself that I'm crying because there are people willing to hurt others, but I know that there's another reason: I don't know if these people are right or wrong. And I want to write about my opinions and compare them to her's but it feels so pathetic and small and useless when I read some other blogger's thoughts on reality and not understand most of what they say. I feel like they're so smart and I'm just trying to be like them but I'll never achieve anything as great. 

Like I was saying before, I don't find school as fun as I did before. It's almost midnight here and I have to go to school tomorrow and it makes me want to scream. My hatred toward school makes me mad at myself and sad too. The only thing I find pleasure in when I'm at school is my english class, where we read and talk about life and things I actually care about. I'm really looking forward to summer. I even counted the days left until school's out (40 including final exams), which is kind of embarrassing and makes me feel bad about myself. I feel like all I'll ever be looking forward to is summer and getting out of here which makes me sad because I don't want my life to be that way. I want to continue enjoying learning. I want to start living the moment and not only thinking about the future like the nurse who was taking my second blood test on Friday said I should (two blood tests in a day, not very fun). 

I like going on youtube and watching haul videos and makeup tutorial (even though I almost never use makeup), but I also like sitting alone and thinking about what's right and what's wrong until I make myself cry. And I don't know what's ok. I don't know if watching those videos makes me shallow and superficial. I don't know if I watch them to feel like I'm less shallow and superficial than those girls that make them because somewhere in my subconscious I feel superior to them. I hope I don't, because I know I'm not. Or maybe I just watch them because they're fun and entertaining and I don't have to do much thinking. I honestly have no idea. Whichever is the case, I want to make videos like that, but I also want to be like those blogger's who write long, deep posts on life. And I don't want to be judged. I specially don't want to be judged by myself. 

None of this probably made any sense. Like I said, I'm not very good at connecting ideas. I hope you could at least understand something about how I'm feeling. 

Goodnight. 

blah blah blah spring break is almost over

Pants from Diesel, top from Stradivarius, Jacket from Zara

I wore this outfit last week when I went to watch Mama. I don't know how many years ago (ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit), how long ago it was released in the US or other parts of the world, but here in Colombia it was just released over a week ago. I enjoy supernatural thrillers like this movie, so I think if you haven't already watched it, you should. When I recommend this type of movies to someone I always get asked the same question: "Was it scary?" Honestly, I hate answering this question because I don't find lots of movies to be scary. It does deliver some good scares, but it's not like you won't be able to sleep at night. 

we have all seen that movie

Do you remember that Disney movie with Brenda Song about these girls living in the suburbs that meet like a famous pop singer (TEEN HEARTTHROB)? Well, since I'm from Colombia, I only remember its name in spanish which is Atrapado en los suburbios. Let me just look it up on google. Oh, it translates to Stuck in the Suburbs... why didn't I think of that? Anyways, do you remember that Brittany was always complaining about how nothing exciting ever happened in the suburbs? That's exactly me right now. Except I don't live in the suburbs. I also haven't ran into a pop start and accidentally taken his phone. Ok, the point is, nothing exciting ever happens here. Like two weeks ago I was going to go to a Queen tribute concert, but it got canceled because people here are boring and there weren't enough tickets sold.

The most exciting thing that has happened to me lately was that a couple of weeks ago there was this fashion show/event called Moda por una causa (you could translate it to "fashion for a cause" but I'm not sure if that makes a lot of sense). It's a fashion show created by a woman who is a designer here in Colombia, and also has a fundación (institute?) (man, I'm running out of english) called Divina Providencia, in which they help kids with diseases, such as cancer, that don't live in a place where they can get a proper treatment. This event is to collect founds for them. There were about 7 designers all from Colombia, and I went to see them with my friend Ana and her mom.

These first two pictures are of girls from Divina Providencia that wanted to model, so they opened the show.

These are some pictures I took, I don't want to say they were the highlights of the night because I'm just basically sharing the pictures that didn't come up blurry. But I did only take pictures of the designs I liked.

Hey look! It's a friend from school modelling! 

These last two dresses were probably my favorite. I wasn't crazy about the designs. I mean, I enjoyed the event and I'm glad I went, but more because of the idea behind it. 

Ana and her mom. 

I wore this pants I got at Custo Barcelona in Madrid last summer, which have a seventies vibe to them and a really awesome kaleidoscope kind of pattern. The shirt is my mom's and so are the shoes. 

pretty on the outside

Last month, Ana and I were going to go watch Les Misérables with a large group of friends. We had some difficulties trying to figure out how everybody was going to get there on time and stuff, so the plan didn't sound that fun anymore. Plus my mom told me she hadn't exactly loved reading the book when she was in school. I decided not to go and so did Ana, and I didn't feel like staying home and watching movies on Netflix, so I put on a vintage looking dress and went to her house. We just started taking pictures and making up a story behind them. We thought the dresses gave an innocent look, so we tried to show how innocent looking things can end up not being so innocent after all. By making up a story behind the pictures I take, I feel like we are playing a pretend game. You know, like what children play. Since we wanted to use props we grabbed a kitchen knife and headed out to the playground, and thank god there weren't any kids there because it would've been awkward to have to deal with their worried parents. Anyways, it was pretty fun and I like how the pictures turned out.

i'm very bad at coming up with titles

This last moth was so boring. School has been worse than ever. I have had so much work and stuff to do. It is the first time I've ever felt like I really don't want to go to school. I need to have a break from everything, and just stay in bed all day and watch random movies on Netflix. Seriously, it's been two months and I'm already dying for summer vacation. I'm going to a photography summer camp in New York city and I'm really excited because I love photography and New York city, so it's too perfect. All I have been doing since I got accepted in the summer camp is read the terms of agreement and important information papers they sent me so I can day dream about being there. I have also been looking at the pictures we took the last time we went to NY while crying and drinking soy milk. 

Anyways, I haven't wore anything worth sharing, but I can't just not post pictures. I got a tripod earlier this week, so I'm finally going to be able to take pictures of myself without having to make a pile of books! Yay!

¡Buenas noches!